MLB Players ALL Porn Mustasch Team

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<TABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%" border=0><TBODY><TR><TD colSpan=2><!--headline --><OBJECT id=headline codeBase=http://download.macromedia.com/pub/shockwave/cabs/flash/swflash.cab#version=6,0,0,0 height=40 width=570 classid=clsid27CDB6E-AE6D-11cf-96B8-444553540000>







































<embed src="flash/headline.swf?headline=MLB%27s+All+Porn+Mustache+Team" quality=high wmode=transparent bgcolor=#FFFFFF width="570" height="40" name="headline" align="" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed></OBJECT></TD></TR><TR><TD colSpan=2>Posted: <!--posted date -->4/14/2005 by: <!--Author with email link -->Merlot </TD></TR><TR><TD colSpan=2><!--Story --><TABLE cellSpacing=5 cellPadding=0 align=left border=0><TBODY><TR><TD>

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Greatest Ever?​

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>In 1993, Clayton Bailey's mustache was officially measured during the Bull Valley Mustache Festival held in Hayward, California. From tip to tip, his mustache measured twenty four inches. That’s some mustache! In celebration of Bailey’s twenty-four inches of ‘stache and in accordance with the greatest mustaches in sport and the beginning of the 2005 Major League Baseball season, the Phat Phree proudly presents, the MLB ‘All Porn Mustache’ Team.

CUE: FUNKY BASSLINE AND WA-WA GUITAR.

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Photo​

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Info​

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Description​

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The Coaching Staff​

</TD></TR><TR vAlign=top><TD colSpan=3>Manager: Billy Martin </TD></TR><TR class=copy vAlign=top><TD>

</TD><TD colSpan=2>Billy’s feuds with The Boss may have cost him his job with the Yankees, but they did little to stress the growth on his upper lip. Unfortunately, Billy couldn’t control his whip and he and his mustache were lost in a car accident... R.I.P.

</TD></TR><TR vAlign=top bgColor=#d9dfe6><TD colSpan=3>Third Base Coach: Cito Gaston </TD></TR><TR class=copy vAlign=top bgColor=#d9dfe6><TD width=100>

</TD><TD colSpan=2>Cito sports the Canadian brand of porn ‘stache. It’s just there, it’s polite, it won’t hurt you, and it’s very clean, but behind closed doors, look out bitches! It’s Gaston Time!

</TD></TR><TR vAlign=top><TD colSpan=3>Hitting Coach: Kevin Kennedy </TD></TR><TR class=copy vAlign=top><TD width=100>

</TD><TD colSpan=2>Kennedy is awaiting a subpoena from Congress to testify on steroids and how they may or may not have played a role in the grooming of his mustache. Our sources indicate that Kevin has a powerful, but clean mustache.

</TD></TR><TR vAlign=top bgColor=#d9dfe6><TD colSpan=3>Pitching Coach: Leo Mazzone </TD></TR><TR class=copy vAlign=top bgColor=#d9dfe6><TD width=100>

</TD><TD colSpan=2>He rocks (literally)! Dude looks like a mental patient who escaped form a facility on the first nice day of spring and set up shop on a bench in Central Park. Mazzone sure knows something about pitching… and porn ‘staches.

</TD></TR><TR vAlign=top><TD colSpan=3>Bench Coach: Bruce Bochy </TD></TR><TR class=copy vAlign=top><TD>

</TD><TD colSpan=2>Ladies and gentlemen… Bruce Bochy’s mustache

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THE STARTING LINE-UP​

</TD></TR><TR vAlign=top bgColor=#d9dfe6><TD colSpan=3>Catcher: Mike Piazza </TD></TR><TR vAlign=top bgColor=#d9dfe6><TD>

</TD><TD colSpan=2>The ‘Italian Stallion’ of the squad, you can just see Piazza rolling through a yellow light in his Iroc-Z with the T-Tops wide open and his mustache blowing in the wind. He’s also probably eating a slice of pie that’s folded in half and dripping grease all over his mustache and his pleather interior.

</TD></TR><TR vAlign=top><TD colSpan=3>First Base: Keith Hernandez </TD></TR><TR class=copy vAlign=top><TD>

</TD><TD colSpan=2>Hernandez is best known and most widely recognized for his porn mustache. It wasn’t the singles and walks that landed him on Seinfeld… it was the TV savvy ‘stache. Spitting conspiracies be damned! Hernandez did not ‘act’ alone.

</TD></TR><TR vAlign=top bgColor=#d9dfe6><TD colSpan=3>Second Base: Willie Randolph </TD></TR><TR class=copy vAlign=top bgColor=#d9dfe6><TD>

</TD><TD colSpan=2>New job managing the Mets… same ol’ porn ‘stache. Willie knows his meal ticket. It’s not about the money, it’s a mad dash to trim the ‘stache and Willie’s got the wheels to be a winner. Where’s Steve Sax… show your homie some love, and get him a job too.

</TD></TR><TR vAlign=top><TD colSpan=3>Shortstop: Dickie Thon </TD></TR><TR class=copy vAlign=top><TD>

</TD><TD colSpan=2>Let me get this straight… his first name is Dickie, and he has that mustache to boot! Perfect. Speaking of boots, Thon muffed his fair share of ground balls as a journeyman middle infielder, but on this squad his mustache is an all-star.

</TD></TR><TR vAlign=top bgColor=#d9dfe6><TD colSpan=3>Third Base: Mike Schmidt </TD></TR><TR class=copy vAlign=top bgColor=#d9dfe6><TD>

</TD><TD colSpan=2>Schmiddy’s coif and mustache look so good, it almost makes you want to cry. Apparently he felt the same way during his Hall of Fame induction speech, when he bawled like a fat girl with no date to the prom. Stand up to piss. For Christ’s sake, Mike, you’re embarrassing yourself.

</TD></TR><TR vAlign=top><TD colSpan=3>Leftfield: Dave Kingman </TD></TR><TR class=copy vAlign=top><TD>

</TD><TD colSpan=2>There is a reason King Kong was always Jim Thome's favorite player... his raw power and tape measure home runs? Nope, killer porn mustache.

</TD></TR><TR vAlign=top bgColor=#d9dfe6><TD colSpan=3>Centerfield: Reggie Jackson </TD></TR><TR class=copy vAlign=top bgColor=#d9dfe6><TD>

</TD><TD colSpan=2>‘Mr October’? Try ‘Mr. Porn ‘Stache October’, ‘cause with lip fur like that Mr. Jackson looks good in any season.

</TD></TR><TR vAlign=top><TD colSpan=3>Rightfield: Andre Dawson </TD></TR><TR class=copy vAlign=top><TD>

</TD><TD colSpan=2>Check out the Hawk’s curl! It’s absolutely glistening, dripping almost. “Just let your soul glow…” They should have let Andre be the only major leaguer to not have to wear a hat in the field. One word of advice: get that mustache greased up too, ‘and let your soul glow...’

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<TABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=2 width=570 border=0><TBODY><TR vAlign=top bgColor=#d9dfe6><TD colSpan=3>Designated Hitter: Kurt Bevacqua </TD></TR><TR class=copy vAlign=top bgColor=#d9dfe6><TD>

</TD><TD colSpan=2>Fifteen major league seasons. Career batting average of .236. Never played more than one hundred and fourteen games in a season...but there is nothing 'utility' about that 'stache. While Kurt often rode the pine, his porn mustache came to play every night.

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The Pitching Staff​

</TD></TR><TR vAlign=top><TD colSpan=3>Starting Pitcher 1: Randy Johnson </TD></TR><TR class=copy vAlign=top><TD>

</TD><TD colSpan=2>That mullet and that moustache self contained on one man. ‘Big Unit’ for redneck president! Take away his left arm and his height and you can see Randy filming himself bangin’ trailer park chicks and selling them out of the back of the neighborhood bait shop.

</TD></TR><TR vAlign=top><TD bgColor=#d9dfe6 colSpan=3>Starting Pitcher 2: Jack Morris </TD></TR><TR class=copy vAlign=top bgColor=#d9dfe6><TD width=100>

</TD><TD colSpan=2>Dammit is Jack Morris handsome. Just look at him. He once made the mistake of going clean shaven… he retired shortly there after, but just looking at Jack Morris with a mustache makes you want to douse yourself in Stetson cologne, dress him up in leather chaps, and pull up a chair along side him at the Blue Oyster.

</TD></TR><TR vAlign=top><TD colSpan=3>Starting Pitcher 3: John Smoltz </TD></TR><TR class=copy vAlign=top><TD>

</TD><TD colSpan=2>Whether he’s starting, or closing games, Smoltz is at his happiest when he sports his porn ‘stache; although when he encouraged super fan lil’ Luther to express himself via a mustache, he hardly expected the young boy to don the Hitler.

</TD></TR><TR vAlign=top bgColor=#d9dfe6><TD colSpan=3>Starting Pitcher 4: Dennis Martinez </TD></TR><TR class=copy vAlign=top bgColor=#d9dfe6><TD width=100>

</TD><TD colSpan=2>El Presidente should have been nicknamed El Bigote with that perfect patch of hair on his upper lip. If they ever make a movie about Martinez, Edward James Olmos (who’s a dead ringer to play him) is going to have a tough time growing out a ‘stache with such clarity and vigor.

</TD></TR><TR vAlign=top><TD colSpan=3>Starting Pitcher 5: Frank Viola </TD></TR><TR class=copy vAlign=top><TD width=100>

</TD><TD colSpan=2>Frankie V. was definitely the Luigi of major league baseball. He was lean and lanky just like Mario’s less famous brother. Chances are his curveball couldn’t snake a drain, but those beautiful whiskers probably could.

</TD></TR><TR vAlign=top><TD bgColor=#d9dfe6 colSpan=3>Closer: Dennis Eckersley </TD></TR><TR class=copy vAlign=top bgColor=#d9dfe6><TD width=100>

</TD><TD colSpan=2>Feel the burn… Eck sure is in this picture. It takes discipline and a lot of facial workouts to keep a premium porn ‘stache in shape. Coincidentally, family members confirm Dennis also looks like this when he is taking a mean ****

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<TABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=2 width=570 border=0><TBODY><TR vAlign=top><TD colSpan=3>Relief Pitcher: Rod Beck </TD></TR><TR class=copy vAlign=top><TD>

</TD><TD colSpan=2>“I’m Rod Beck. I live in a trailer. I drink beer. I have a porn ‘stache. **** you!”

</TD></TR><TR vAlign=top><TD bgColor=#d9dfe6 colSpan=3>Relief Pitcher: Rollie Fingers </TD></TR><TR class=copy vAlign=top bgColor=#d9dfe6><TD width=100>

</TD><TD colSpan=2>He was born with a porn name and he has the second most famous mustache of all time (next to the Hitler of course). It’s rare for a dude to get a perm. Rollie said ‘**** that’ and got his mustache permed.

</TD></TR><TR vAlign=top><TD colSpan=3>Relief Pitcher: Paul Assenmacher </TD></TR><TR class=copy vAlign=top><TD>

</TD><TD colSpan=2>The Ass Maker is one tough customer. Looking at that mustache, this is one lefty you don’t want to see coming out of the pen. He also was in the majors for four or five hundred years. Near the end of his career, a tired and weary Ass Man sported his ‘someone please kill me now’ mojo while toeing the rubber for the Tribe.

</TD></TR><TR vAlign=top bgColor=#d9dfe6><TD colSpan=3>Relief Pitcher: Goose Gossage </TD></TR><TR class=copy vAlign=top bgColor=#d9dfe6><TD>

</TD><TD colSpan=2>The 'Goose' threw gas, but it is the heat from his mustache that landed him in our bully. His 'stache is so fierce it reminds some of a past love of 'Hulk-a-Mania.'

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Special Guests at the Ballpark​

</TD></TR><TR vAlign=top><TD colSpan=3>Throwing Out the First Pitch: Tom Selleck </TD></TR><TR class=copy vAlign=top><TD>

</TD><TD colSpan=2>Magnum is the perfect candidate to throw out the first pitch for this team. Hell, he could even bring Higgins and T.C. too… all three put the ‘porn’ in porn mustache

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[LineTamer+]

And the most famous RX poster Porn Mustasch..



"What you mean porn mustacsh?"

 

[Journeyman]

Lets add a little music to this thread;

"Bow, chicka chicka bow wow"

 

[RobFunk]

lmao. .'porn mustach'


haha rollie fingers that is sooo 80's porn

funny stuff

 

[blueedwards]

 

[blueedwards]

todd jones...pitching tonight.

 

[LineTamer+]

“I’m Rod Beck. I live in a trailer. I drink beer. I have a porn ‘stache. **** you!”

My Favorite!

Greg Maddux--hilarious!